The Wonderful Life With a Lint-Eating Feline

While I was gushing on about my cat: talking about how fluffy he is, and that he licks my hand as a sign of affection, I asked a friend why she doesn't like cats. They're great! Right?

She replied that she doesn't know what they're for. Her only connection to cats is the occasional photo I send her. In those Sir Cat always sits on another piece of my body, most of the time grooming himself. Not very useful, according to her. So I explained, calmly, in capslock "BUT THAT'S THE POINT OF A CAT!"

What is life like with a cat?

Since my cat is a free-ranging feline, he usually spends the night outside. Most likely sitting under a bush and cleaning himself while he waits to be let back inside. Unless, of course, I have the great idea and turn in bed while letting out a content sigh.

You may know that cats have better hearing than humans.And so Sir Cat manages to correctly interpret the creak my bed makes when I wrap my arms around a fluffy pillow. He knows that I am awake and will welcome me into this new day by meowing in front of the main door, until someone opens it. Very considerate ...

Don't be fooled thinking that you can feed him and then happily go back to bed. No, in fact Sir Cat does not like eating alone. So when you hand over the bowl of disgusting food he has been longing for, he will eat it ... as long as you're in the room. Might as well make yourself a cup of coffee.

Don't even get me started on his food choices! I saw him eat a rabbit brain, but dear cat goddess beware I give him pork in the evening. How could I!?! I might as well feed him the underside of my shoe. Oh, and cats eat crips.

Finally all is well in the food and milk department. I think I'll be able to go about my day: reading a book, writing a blog post, writing on my military story, making some ART, or simply watching television. But no, because then it is Sit On The Human time. This literally does what is says on the tin.

There is absolutely no way around this. Sir Cat will not move to the side when you redirect him. He will not accept the fluffy place you built for him, instead he prefers the lap on which he has to re-position himself three to eight times a minute.

He's just trying to help by walking over the keyboard. Friends know that when I write CAT in the middle of a sentence that this means Sir Cat is on some part of the keyboard and I am not to blame for the following mess.

Only this week, I decided that instead of using the telly - which functions as a glorified radio now - I should listen to the music with headphones so I WON'T DISTURB THE CAT'S NAP!

Listening to music with headphones so I won't disturb the cat's nap pic.twitter.com/2gnjjfJxwK

— Floralcars (@floralcars1) 3. Oktober 2016

And yet, I know that when Sir Cat will move into the cat paradise with endless boxes of cat food, many cuddles, better and more comfier pillows than me, that I am going to be heartbroken.

Why would I root for this demanding, lint-eating and out-of-spite-in-the-kitchen-peeing feline dictator? 

Not only because he is unbelievably fluffy, and I could reproduce a second cat from his fur droppings but because he loves me. I read all of the time that cats don't feel for humans, and that it's possible for a cat to enjoy a thorough petting while he thinks about slitting your throat. Unlike dogs, cats won't wait two days until they eat your cold and dead body. Better get that meat when it's still fresh.

And yet ... I know that my cat loves me. Maybe it's not the same chemicals in a cat brain as in a human brain but my cat loves me. This is a fluffy fact.

You see, cats are the most independent animals on this planet. It is inspirational: If a cat doesn't want to be touch, it simply won't be touched. It will bite your hand off, and if it feels like it your head comes off as well.

Cats are not actually dependent on you specifically, it can also go to another member of the household to get petted. Yet, I am the one who wakes up with a fluffy tail in my eye. He is not going to crawl out from under the bush because you make him, but rather because he wants to.

Cats are proof that stubbornness will always beat intelligence.

This means when a cat sits on your lap, eyes closed and low-key purring, it does so because it loves you, and enjoys sitting on you.

Unless it's hungry ...