In all fairness, I thought it would be fun but a bit lengthy. After all, we would find a pose, she'd take a couple of shots and since I had to judge the photo we would have to meet halfway. The whole thing was not helped by the fact that we were blocking a gravel road which is used once a year and that happened to be today and I had to re-position the car in between - Tractor Man was understanding. Yet, the worst thing was ... myself.
I very, very rarely takes selfies because I know that there is some spot on my face, and it looks kinda weird when I smile. I didn't want my face in a full shot on it anyway. So I thought no biggie. I can put my legs there and turn there and it will look good. Right?
No. Really no. I had no idea where to look, or how to look. It felt super weird, and awkward.
There was literally nobody around but my mum. She had seen far worse. After I looked at the first photos I thought it was weird. I looked out of place. And then ... oh my god I have monkey's arms!
I am aware that for my shortness I have quite long arms. They are evidence that I was supposed to be taller but somehow the middle bit couldn't be bothered and stopped growing. But I didn't know what to do with them. "Do I put them in my lap? Do leave them hanging?" This was followed with "what if I pull my shoulders back?" Since I am aware that I hunch a bit, and I think everyone does I thought it would be a great idea. But that looked like I was posing for a body building contest.
"And did I always have such tiny legs?" I am pretty sure that I did. I thought I'd manage to sit on my car's bonnet, but I could only lean against it. Which meant that my thighs pressed against the car and we all know what happens then ... they go wide. It was crippling. I was desperate ...
Right. A whole day of having my picture taken for publicity shots. I'd rather apply sun cream to James May's back.— Jeremy Clarkson (@JeremyClarkson) March 24, 2016
As I contemplated my own list of Things I'd rather Do and wondered if I could use one of my stickmen arts as the flagship image instead, I leaned against the side of my car, propping one foot up because it's a thing I do, and frowned at my thighs and my monkey's arms. I almost dropped the phone as my mother shouted "YES!"
Apparently it was a good pose. I suggested if she got an up-shot it might look worthwhile, and hopefully we can make good use of the wind as well. I finally could put my monkey's arms to good use, and it didn't look weird to leave them hanging. And because I took this pose naturally it did look natural as well. Then there was my face, which as long as I didn't sneeze would be no problem. And a few creaks and cracks in my mother's knee later we had a few rather lovely shots:
For the whole day I remained hyper aware that I have monkey's arms, that I am one of those mysterious people who's arms are actually the same length as their legs, and that thighs go wide when you sit on them. Go figure. But then I went out for a jog, and when I reached home, dripping with sweat, only longing for water and a shower, I was quite proud of my tiny legs for carrying me such lengths.
#TinyWithLongArmsAndProud
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